Code Blue to Blue's Clues

Thus far, I'd say my biggest failing as a parent is my short fuse and lack of patience. Even when the kiddo was a tiny infant I would get so frustrated because I couldn't get her to stop crying when all I wanted to do was sleep. Over time, and through many medication trials, the poor kid has been at the receiving end of my impatience more and more often. Now that she's becoming a strong-willed toddler, I find myself blowing up at her several times a day. I'm not proud of it by any means and every day I tell myself that I'm going to be patient with her. Until she does the first thing that pisses me off and then it's difficult to recover. I try to remember that she's a toddler, she's supposed to piss me off because she's discovering her boundaries, and that soon, if not already, she will start to remember, or at least internalize, my impatience with her.

One of my biggest frustrations is that she won't do things unless "threatened." There's a lot of "Please do ______, or you won't be able to ___________/I will _________/_________will/won't happen. It sucks. I'm not sure if we are the cause of it or if that's just her personality, but both my husband and I hate that it's the only way to get her to do what we're asking of her.

Bedtime is also one of my biggest frustrations. We spend an hour or more laying in bed while she falls asleep. By that point in the day, I need to be alone, relax and unwind, so I lose my temper with her much more quickly than during the day. Another reason that bedtime frustrates me so much is that I'm sure my presence is one of the reasons she has such a difficult time falling asleep. The other night my husband was in there with us and we were engaged in conversation, not paying much attention to the kiddo. She fell asleep much more quickly than usual and that just confirmed my suspicions. But it's a catch-22 because she freaks out if I'm not in there with her. (I've run into a lot of catch-22's while raising her...is that just her?)

Unfortunately, my tolerance level is closely tied to my medications. Without the right ones, I have no patience with anyone and I end up fighting with my husband and yelling at the kiddo a lot, or I'm so apathetic and emotionless that I don't care about anything. The combination right now is causing apathy and lack of patience so the house is a mess and I lose my temper at the drop of hat--or a throw of a remote. We can't seem to find something that gets me in between those two extremes.